Penumbra: The Evil Within
by ThAtOnEkIdXD
Summary: Sakura, a teen diagnosed with a personality disorder, tries to live a normal life while coping with the incident that claimed the lives of her friends several years ago. Doctors say her mental condition can be handled, but no one has any idea what truly lurks within her.
1. The Slumber Party

When the lights went out, the house was filled with terrified screams.

It was a game.

A fun, little slumber party game the girls thought would be fun to play since the moon was completely shrouded and for whatever reason the streetlights were out. They were proud of themselves for coming up with this plan of hide and seek in the dark. My suggestion of just telling scary stories by a makeshift fire was labeled stupid.

I didn't want to play. I hate the dark. I never know what sort of thing could be hiding in the shadows, just waiting for the right chance to attack. I like to be proactive and not give the creatures any advantage. Sadly, these girls do not share my sentiments.

They taunt me cruelly, calling me a whiny little baby and a coward. Their chants still ring in my ears as if it was a song stuck on repeat. It frustrates me that the only way they will agree to stop is if I agree to play along with them.

My so called best friend, Rin, tried to assure me that everything will be fine. There is nothing that I should be afraid of. I wanted to convince her otherwise, but she, like the rest of the girls, was dead set on doing this. It wasn't right to keep her from being happy just because of my anxiety.

To make things slightly more comfortable for me, they agreed that we would stay inside. But it does nothing to quell my fears. Its practically darker in here than it is outside. The only difference is there is less room to hide and the smaller possibility of being abducted.

They labeled me as 'it'. I figured it would happen due to my reluctance. Plus, it would make it more fun for them, since they get to hide and exploit my fear. It's times like this that make me wonder why I even bothered showing up to this party.

Most of these girls are not even my friends. They do not care about me.

_So why should I care about them?_

"Make sure you count you count all the way to twenty!" Naoto shouts while running away. I'm amazed she hasn't tripped over anything. It is pitch black in here.

one...two...three...four...

I turn where I hear receding footsteps, but I can't see anything in that direction either. The windows are open, but there is no ambient light from the outside world. No stars, no moonlight. The clouds are heavy enough to block them out.

Raindrops tap against the window.

The rain usually calms me down, but not tonight.

...five...six...seven...eight...

I take a few steps forward, stubbing my toe on what I think is the living room coffee table. I take a deep breath to avoid shouting out in pain. Finding all of them will be a great challenge. Great in the sense that I am the least graceful person in the house. I'll stumble over everything before I manage to make it out of one room.

It would be easier if several flashes of lightning were to occur consecutively.

I wish Rin would turn the lights back on.

...nine...ten...eleven...twelve...

Hearing someone's heavy breathing nearby, I gravitate toward the kitchen. To avoid running into things and giving away my position, I take slow and light steps. My hands are slightly outstretched to feel for any obstacles I may run into that my feet won't touch.

This must be what it feels like to be blind.

...thirteen...fourteen...fifteen...sixteen...

The breathing gets louder. I smile, thinking I have this one in the bag. I bet it's Tokiko, she isn't great at these sorts of things and she has asthma. She probably didn't want to go too far into the house because it would require too much work which her lungs can't handle.

I stand in the middle of the kitchen and merely wait.

_I almost enjoy the sounds of her labored breathing._

_..._seventeen...eighteen...nineteen..._twenty._

"Ready or not, here I come." I whispered softly.

_Tokiko's breathing intensified._ _I saunter slowly to the other side of the island where she is definitely hiding._ _She is hunched over, hugging her knees to her chest. The girl rocks back and forth, uttering something quietly._ _I think that she's more afraid of the dark than she was willing to let on._

_I should put her out of her misery._

"_Found you." I announced in a sing-song voice. She looks up at me in absolute fear. I kick her in the face, sending her body to the hardwood floor. Before she has a chance to scream, I pounce on her, covering her mouth and nose._

_She thrashes wildly, trying to throw me off of her. But I have the upper-hand in this position. Her body convulses for some much needed air. I press harder on her face, trying to hasten her death. It's a pity how hard the human body will fight to stay alive. But the way I see things, her time was coming to end sooner or later. I might as well be the one to end her life. It's more humane if I do it than to let someone else have the pleasure of getting rid of her._

_After a few moments, her body goes limp. Before I leave to find the others, I stomp on her throat to ensure she wouldn't wake up. I move to the basement where a few of the others are bound to be._

I hesitate before opening the door to the basement. I couldn't even see the stairs. In spite of all my inhibitions, I slowly descend down the steps, cringing at how creaky most of them are. If any of the girls are down here, they certainly know that I am here. My heart skips several beats when I miss a step and almost fall. I gasp audibly, clutching my chest to collect myself. This further solidifies how much I hate this idea and a bit of myself for going along with it.

There were no signs of people being down here; no breathing or quiet giggling. As I turn to go back upstairs, I was tackled. My face was held down into the musty shag carpet. I scream as loud as I could, but it was muffled by the carpet.

There are two distinctive voices, undoubtedly the twins. My fear quickly turns to anger. They think they can do whatever they want because there are two of them and only one of me.

_These brats really think they're funny. I elbowed one of them in the face, relishing the painful cry she emits. When I try to get up, the other sister starts attacking me with heavy handed slaps._

_It's almost cute that she thinks that will be enough to take me down. Almost though, she and her sister annoy me to no end. I grab both of her hands, surprising her. She screams for me to let her go. I comply by headbutting her and pushing her off me. I grab the golf club lying against the stairs and smash her head with it. The club breaks in half from the force of hitting the girl's skull._

_Her darling sister decides to come to her rescue, lunging at me with her fist ready to punch me. I jam my fingers into her eyeballs, pushing them further into her eye socket. She screams for me to stop while scratching my arm in an attempt to free herself. _

_I kicked her in the gut, sending her to the floor. She yells damning things as I drag her by her short, brown hair. I smash her face into the exposed brick wall until she goes silent._

I walked back upstairs and stood in the foyer, wondering why I haven't found anyone by now. They couldn't all be upstairs, that would be too predictable. The lights came back on. I hear Rin walking behind me. "Sakura, what is going on? What was all that noise I heard?"

I turn to face her, noting the horrified expression on her face. "What's wrong?"

She stumbles backward. "Oh my gosh, we need to call help!" I merely watch as she runs off in the other direction. I look down at my hands and scream. Why were they covered in blood? Rin returns, this time looking concerned. "Its okay Sakura, everything will be fine." She soothes.

I knew she was lying. Nothing could be okay if I was covered in blood. I knew the darkness wasn't a safe place.

"Tokiko, Yoko, Naoto! The game is over!" She shouts before pulling me into a hug.

There was no response. None of the girls came rushing to where we were, the house was silent except for my panicked gasps.

"Guys, seriously!"

More silence. They really are into this game.

Rin groans and rolls her eyes. "Can you check down here, while I check upstairs?" She asks.

I comply with her request. I checked behind the curtains of the living room and behind the couches, yet there was no one to be found. Walking past the mirror, I thought I saw one of the girls in the reflection. When I turned around, no one was there. Although I only saw a glimpse, the mirror certainly didn't reflect myself, it had to be one of the girls.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I slowly walk back in front of the mirror.

I didn't see pink hair and green eyes. What I saw didn't look like me at all. I smash the glass with my fist, to shatter the image. I run to the kitchen, trying to shake the haunting image of those wicked, blood red eyes from the reflection.

In my haste, I wasn't paying attention to any obstacles. I tripped over something and landed hard on my side. A sharp pain races up my arm as I try to push myself to an upright position. I glance over my shoulder to see Tokiko sprawled out on the floor.

"Tokiko?" I call out, hoping it would wake her. She doesn't move or say anything to indicate she's conscious. I move to check her breathing and pulse. She wasn't breathing and when I placed my ear on her chest, I couldn't hear a heartbeat. I checked her wrist, neck, and temples; there was no pulse in any location.

"Sakura did you find-" Rin chokes out a sob. "Is she dead?"

"_Yeah, and so are you." I stood up, grabbing a knife from the sink. The look of pure terror on her face is amusing. She's so scared that she couldn't even beg for her life. I lunge at her, causing her to grab a nearby pan and toss it at me._

_The pan misses me, but nevertheless she used the momentary distraction as her chance to escape. I chuck the knife at her fleeting form. My deadly accuracy stopped her in her tracks. Her body falls face forward. I walk over to her, removing the knife and kicking her on her back. There was still a little bit of life in her eyes._

_I straddle her defenseless body and repeatedly stab her in the face and chest like I'm trying to hammer a nail. Blood splatters onto my face with each wound I inflict. When I was done, she is barely recognizable. I lick her blood off the knife and wander toward the living room._

_I twirl the weapon in my hand a few times before plunging it into my abdomen._

The sudden pain shocks me and sends me to my knees. Blood drips out of my mouth. When I tried to wipe it away, more came up. I touch my stomach, finding a foreign object sticking out of it. I pull on it a little bit, causing more pain. I try to scream out for help, but blood gurgled in my mouth, drowning the words.

I collapse on my side, wondering how this even happened. The broken pieces of glass on the floor showed not only those eyes, but the entire face. He smirks wickedly as I continue to cough up blood.

Heavy footsteps retreat from the area, and those haunting eyes fade to black.


	2. Check My Brain

"_You can't find the bastard who did this?" The lone survivor's adoptive mother questioned._

_The head of the investigation team glanced at his co-workers, who shrugged. "We can't find him, because he doesn't exist."_

_The woman's heart stopped. "W-what do you mean?"_

"_We swept the entire area for fingerprints. Excluding the girls' and Rin's family, there were no foreign prints."_

_She collapses in a chair and looks around, bewildered. "So, what does this mean?"_

"_She made it up." One of the investigators spoke bluntly. His statement was met with harsh glares._

"_Why would she make something like that up?! She couldn't be lying, she was nearly killed herself."_

"_We don't know why, but we do know that she is highly traumatized. I recommended to the council that she undergo immediate therapy."_

* * *

**One Week Later...**

* * *

"Mom, I don't want to go to therapy."

She glances at me through the rear-view mirror and offers me a sympathetic smile. "I know, you're a little afraid, but honey we all think it would be good for you."

I open my mouth to protest, but I knew my argument would be brushed off, like nearly everything else I say.

_No one is really concerned for my well being, they are just afraid of me. No one believes my account of what I think happened that night. They think I did it. They think I did it and I should pay for it somehow. By sending me to a shrink, they can show the world how they tried to help me. All they want is confirmation that I'm some sort of psycho that deserves to be locked up and heavily medicated._

The car ride was filled with uneasy silence.

There was nothing I could say that would make her turn around and take me home. No one even bothered to consider how I feel about all this. I don't want to spend anymore time reliving what happened weeks ago. It's like repeatedly picking at a scab. It won't heal.

Talking about what happened won't make things any better. I lost all of my friends. I don't want to talk to some shrink about how it makes me feel.

_Mostly because, I don't feel anything. I took their lives with a shit-eating grin on my face. It's unfortunate that I can't admit that without being thrown in a mental home, or jail; whichever one the government feels I'd be less of a threat in._

It should be obvious how this affects me. I don't have any friends. If I go back to school, it would suck. Those were the only girls that would talk to me. Everyone else thinks that I'm a freak, and they make fun of me on a daily basis. Without Rin to tell them off, I'm back to square one. I'll have to go back to eating lunch and sitting in class by myself.

"Oh Sakura, cheer up. Things will get better." _That's real easy for her to say, she's not the one who has to go through therapy._

"I just want to go to sleep."

"You can, after your appointment." She replies in a too cheery tone for my liking.

Feeling disheartened due to the lack of people on my side, I slump against the seat and stare out the window. For the next several years of my life, I will be forced to drive to the outskirts of town for therapy that I don't need nor want.

_Surely the government has something better to waste their money on than me._

"You know, I've heard great things about your therapist. He's supposedly one of the best in the country, maybe even the world." She chuckles to herself. "If we're lucky, maybe he can help you through your angsty teenage years. God knows that will not be a pleasant time."

"_Do you think I did it?"_

"_Did what?" She asks with a lot of uncertainty._

_I glare at her. I hate clueless people. "Do you think I am responsible for their deaths?" I repeated in a more forceful tone. People don't seem to understand kindness._

"_N-not at all sweetheart." She answers uneasily._

"_Don't lie to me."_

The car hits a speed bump. "I'm not lying!"

I raised an eyebrow at her sudden proclamation. At first I thought she was on the phone, but both of her hands are on the wheel and she's not tech savvy enough for a hands-free device. "What are you talking about?"

She parks the car. "You asked me if I think you killed your friends."

My eyes widen. "No I didn't."

She turns and looks at me incredulously. "Yes you did honey."

"I would never ask you that! Are you insane?!"

I couldn't read the look on her face. She averted eyes and quickly got out of the car. "C'mon, we don't want to be late for your appointment."

As we walked through the door, I couldn't help but notice my mother's uneasiness. She seemed to be in a rush to get to the front desk. There were hardly any people in the waiting area, and my appointment doesn't start for another ten minutes.

"Is everything alright mother?"

"Everything is fine. Go sit down while I fill out some papers." She instructs in a rather cold manner.

I did as I was told, picking up a magazine to thumb through along the way.

"_My daughter is here to see Dr. Ryushi."_

_The receptionist quickly types some information. "Sakura Katoaka?"_

_She smiles slightly. "Yes."_

"_Alright, I'll see if Dr. Ryushi is ready."_

She sits next to me with both hands in her lap and stares straight ahead.

Before I had a chance to question her odd behavior, the receptionist returns. "Sakura? The doctor will see you now." She gestures down the hall with a welcoming smile. I get up, taking a look back at my mother who still refused to look me in the eye.

I shake the numerous forming questions away before walking down the hall. This isn't going to be an enjoyable experience. I knock on the cracked door before walking in.

The man I presumed is Dr. Ryushi stood up from his seat. "Hi Sakura, my name is Dr. Ryushi and I will be your therapist for the next few years or so." He sticks out his hand for me to shake. I eyed him cautiously before taking his hand. "Okay, now that the formalities are out of the way, please take a seat." He points to the tan, leather couch.

I plop down on the couch and take a look at my surroundings. The walls had a bunch of framed inspirational quotes, as well as some distinguished looking old men. His bookshelf was cluttered with various snow globes and trinkets from other countries.

"So, how old are you Sakura?"

"Ten." I answered curtly.

"Wow, so young," He comments while writing something down. "I'm sorry for what has happened to you and your friends."

I shrug. "Its not your fault."

He nods. "The police say that they haven't found the suspect, does that worry you?"

"No."

Dr. Ryushi seemed perplexed by my answer. "Why not?"

"_Because the suspect I described doesn't exist according to them. And they're the professionals, so they must know what they are talking about."_

He stares at me warily for a while. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that again?"

"I said, that I'm not worried because they will eventually find him."

He places his notebook in his lap and continues to look at me as if I had done some impossible feat. "That's not what you said earlier."

I glance from side to side, partially to see if there were anyone else in the room with us. "I'm pretty sure that's what I said."

"No, you said that the police don't believe the person you described as the suspect even exists."

Those words never came out of my mouth. I don't know where the police are in the investigation. I can only hope that they find the guy who did this soon before he has a chance to repeat what he did. "I never said that." I maintained.

He sits back in his chair. "Are you sure?"

"_Yes, I'm sure you pathetic oaf." I grit._

The doctor's eyes showed that he was unsettled by all this. I thought I was the one who was supposed to be uncomfortable.

"Sakura, do you think you have like an imaginary friend or something that...follows you around or maybe speaks for you at times?"

_I cross my arms and sit back. "C'mon doc, you've got to be smarter than that. You've spent like what, ten years in post secondary school, and that's your best guess. An imaginary friend? I'm ten, not two. At any rate, does it seem like I'm imaginary? Or even a friend to this deplorable, mortal vessel?"_

"Who am I talking to?"

I was completely thrown off by his question. "What?"

"Who am I talking to at this moment?"

"You know my name!" He might be the one in need of therapy.

He shakes his head. "Not you Sakura."

"Well I'm the only person here."

"Interesting." He comments before quickly jotting down some notes.

* * *

"_I'm not completely sure of it yet, but I think she has a second identity. I'm going to need more sessions with her to be sure."_

_Her mother looks up from the ground. "A second identity, so she has multiple personalities?"_

"_Dissociative Identity Disorder is the more modern term for it, but yes."_

"_She did kill her friends." The woman concludes, voice conveying how torn she is over the situation._

"_I don't think she killed them. Her other half might know something she's not able to tell us."_

"_I don't buy into this psycho-bullshit." The head investigator spoke up."_

"_Then you can take her in for questioning and see for yourself."_

_He saw that as a challenge. "Fine."_

* * *

"Do I have to go back to that therapist again? He was acting very weird."

My mother sighs. "I don't know yet, but the police want to ask you some questions."

I just want all of this to be over. I'm tired of being asked questions, I'm tired of people around me acting strange. I want my life to go back to normal. I knew I should have stayed home that night. Why did I let Rin talk me into showing up?

"Sakura, do you think you have blackouts?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I sighed. She is starting to sound like that doctor.

She turns sharply. "Are there moments where you don't remember anything?"

"_No mother, I remember everything. Now get out of the way so I can get this interrogation over with."_

"Very well." She responds and opens the door for me.

The police didn't want to waste any time. They immediately escorted me to one of the rooms and instructed me to sit down.

"How would you describe your relationship with the victims." Officer Okui asked.

I lowered my head. "They were my best friends." I answered softly.

The other officer scoffs and slams a file on the table. "Really? Were you friends with all the girls?"

I looked up to see Officer Sekozawa's angry brown eyes glaring at me. "Yes, I was."

He scoffs and shakes his head. "That's not what I heard from the kids at your school, and even some of the girl's parents."

I didn't know what to say to that. I was not exactly a hundred percent friends with all the girls at the party, but I didn't hate them. They were nice enough to invite me. It was a group decision whether I should have been there or not.

"According to some accounts, you and the twins weren't even close to being friends." Officer Okui clarifies.

"We didn't always get along-"

"So maybe you and the twins got into a little argument, and you got mad from all those other times they picked on you."

"No! It wasn't like that! It wasn't like that at all!" I exclaimed.

Officer Okui places a hand over mine to get me to calm down. "Its okay sweetie. Just tell us what happened."

"We were playing hide and seek in the dark, and I was it. I tried to find the girls, but I couldn't. They were really good at hiding and I'm terrified of the dark, so I didn't really bother looking too hard for them. I thought they were all playing a trick on me. I thought they were going to come out and scare me. But they didn't. I heard screaming and struggling. Rin and I tried calling off the game, and that's when I found Tokiko. The next thing I know, Rin is dead and I was stabbed. Then I heard footsteps leaving the house."

Officer Okui gives me a sympathetic look, while the other officer paces around the room.

"I don't buy it." He states.

He fires question after question, hardly giving me any time to think or answer them. He was growing increasingly angry with my responses. Officer Okui tries to calm him down, but it doesn't work. He tries to chime in with less accusing questions, but they often get trumped by Sekozawa's questions.

Even when I broke down into tears, he didn't stop interrogating me. He was determined to get a confession out of me, regardless of whether I did the crime.

"This would go so much smoother if you just admit you're a murderer!" He roars.

"_If you think I did it, then put me in handcuffs you fucking swine!"_

The room went silent.

"_You shoot off all these accusations without a single shred of evidence. Tell me Sekozawa, are you mad that your little girls are dead and you have no idea of who did it? Or are you mad that I survived and they didn't?" He looks like he's about to pounce. "They died like little bitches." I comment to further infuriate him._

Sekozawa jumps over the table and smacks me with his gun.

Officer Okui quickly pulls Sekozawa off me and shoves him to the opposite side of the room. "What the hell are you thinking?!"

"Did you not hear what she just said?"

"Attacking a suspect though? Do you not know how much trouble you're going to be in?"

"That little bitch killed my daughters." He growls.

I touch my swollen nose and glance at my hand to see it covered in blood. I scream at the top of my lungs and shut my eyes. Its that night all over again. Someone rushes to my side and utters a curse. I panicked and start fighting whoever it was off.

"Sakura, Sakura! Calm down. It's me, Officer Okui!"

I hit him once more before slumping against him and sobbing uncontrollably.

I just want to go home.

* * *

"_I am terribly sorry about what happened Mrs. Katoaka. I can assure you, that is not the standard for how we treat people under our custody."_

_She takes a drag from her cigarette. "What did you find out before everything went wrong?"_

"_I'm no psychologist or anything, but I think she does have like a split personality or something." Officer Okui answered._

"_What's the next step?"_

_Dr. Ryushi clears his throat. "I say we continue the evaluation, and if our diagnosis is correct, then medication will be prescribed as well as annual therapy sessions."_

"_As far as the investigation, will she be charged for anything?"_

"_If she truly is disturbed, then no."_

* * *

"This is the last one right?" I ask my mother. I've been in and out of sessions all day.

One person would ask me a bunch of questions, while other people in white lab coats would take notes. They all stared at me as if I was some creature that they have never encountered. I quickly went from this poor girl who suffered a great tragedy, to this science experiment that everyone is trying to figure out.

She nods. "I think so."

The whole process is annoying. I get asked the same questions repeatedly, and at some point they begin to treat me as if I'm going to snap at any moment. Their excited murmurs pique my curiosity, but no one is willing to tell me what's going on. They won't even give me a dumbed down version of why I'm being put through all this.

I touched the bruise on my face after the lady at the front desk kept staring at me.

"Okay, we've brought in experts from several countries to help us with this evaluation. Luckily for you, its the last one!" Dr. Ryushi comments.

Its hard for me to share his enthusiasm.

When this is all said and done, I don't want to see another lab coat in my life.

"State your name and age for the record." One of the doctors instruct.

_I groan. "We've been through this at least a dozen times. Why don't you tell me my name?"_

"Sakura Katoaka, ten years old, will be eleven in a few weeks." The woman with short blonde hair repeats. The rest of the group nods.

"What is your childhood like?"

I shrug, not knowing what more they want to know. "Good." I answered.

The blonde raises her pen. "Care to elaborate?"

"_Well I never got that dress I wanted for my birthday, but I don't hold it against my parents."_

They murmur briefly amongst themselves. "Has your family ever hit you?"

"No."

"Have they ever touched you inappropriately?"

"_Trust me, our relationship is as platonic as it can get."_

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the blonde giving me a sympathetic, yet fearful look. The room lost its cold professional aura after I said that. I don't understand why after certain things I say, things change. People start acting weird, yet they think I'm the weird one. Maybe these evaluations will get to the bottom of it. If not, then it's a lot of wasted time for nothing.

"Did they ever say anything mean to you?"

"_Oh just that the size of my forehead is way too large to be considered normal. Then again, everyone says that." I reply with a wave of my hand._

"How does that make you feel?"

I raised an eyebrow. "How does what make me feel?"

One of them opened their mouths to retort, but the person beside him lightly nudged him. He quickly collects himself and clears his throat. "Would you say that you are a strong person?"

"_Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can bench press about eight pounds. That's pretty high, all things considered."_

A few people chuckle, earning a glare from the rest, myself included. There was nothing funny about this situation at all.

"I meant, without friends or family support, how do you fare?"

These people have a talent for making me feel sad. I wish they would ask more simple questions. "Not well. I-I need them. Hardly anyone is nice to me, and I don't know how to stand up for myself. I try, but things always get worse."

"How do you see yourself?"

"As a burden." I replied quietly.

The activity in the room came to a sudden halt. I could tell that they were stunned and wondering who should ask the next question, if a question should be asked at all. What could be the follow up to a response like that, these doctors aren't the most nurturing bunch. I could cry and they would probably collect my tears to run test on them.

"Do you harm yourself because of how you feel?"

"No."

"How honest are you in answering these questions?"

"_There's a fifty percent chance that most of what I've said in this room is a complete lie." I admit with a smile. I clasp my hands together and watch their faces twist with utter confusion. This has been a long day for everyone, and I just made it longer._

The head of the evaluation stands. "I think that's all we need. Thank you Sakura for your time."


	3. Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

_Sakura's mother stood when the psychologists exit the room. "Well?"_

"_Given the nature of what she has been through, I'd say that it is very possible that she created an alter ego to cope with the trauma." Dr. Ryushi glances through his notes. "She doesn't seem to be aware of the alter, which potentially could be a good thing."_

"_How?" She asked skeptically._

"_If we just continue with therapy, it will heal the scars she had from that night, and she won't have to worry about this other identity controlling her. In a matter of years, her alter could be a thing of the past." He replies cheerfully._

_The blonde female psychologist stepped forward. "Conversely, it could be bad because she has zero control over her alter."_

"_Well no person has control over their alters, they just manifest in different situations."_

"_Which is why we'll prescribe her medication that will even her out."_

_The woman darts her eyes from the blonde to Dr. Ryushi. "Even her out? W-what does that mean exactly?"_

"_Since alters stem from traumatic experience, we have found that they are likely to manifest when the subject feels stressed or scared. Its a way to protect themselves. But if we give her medicine to level her mood at all times, there should be no reason for the alter to ever appear, in theory of course."_

"_I don't know about this. It doesn't seem like the right course of action to take. She's so young." Sakura's mother was conflicted. While the ideal of never having to deal with the aspect of her daughter being a murderer sounded perfect, she didn't want her daughter to become a drone for her sanity._

"_Its either that, or we lock her in an institution. At her age, it is very possible to "reconfigure" her to societal standards. With the medicine, she can live a somewhat normal life."_

"_What are the side effects?"_

"_Nothing you should be too worried about."_

* * *

**Four Years Later...**

* * *

"Sakura, would you be a dear and get your brother for dinner?"

I set the plates on the table. "Of course." I replied with a smile and hurry upstairs to my brother's room. He has his music on loud, so there's no use in knocking. I slowly open the door, hoping he would notice my arrival and be in a decent state.

He glances up from his phone and turns down the music. "What do you want freak?"

"Dinner is ready." I announced, ignoring the insult.

"Cool story, now leave."

I did what I was told, not wanting things to escalate. His heavy footsteps followed me to the dining room. He mutters under his breath about how slow I am walking. I graciously move out of his way and utter an apology to appease him.

I can't remember the last time where we had a dinner that wasn't filled with tension. Mother looks at the empty space where father is supposed to sit and sighs. I know I'm not supposed to set his place, but it's a habit that I can't break. It doesn't seem right to leave his spot empty, even if he's not here.

Sensing the rising tension in the room, my mother puts on a smile and looks at my brother and I. My brother doesn't share the same expression as her; there are other places he wishes he could be. "Either of you do anything exciting today?" She asks with great enthusiasm.

I open my mouth to speak, but my brother's voice trumps mine. "I ditched history to go rock climbing with my friends."

The woman sighs. "Benkei, what did I say about skipping classes?"

"They don't teach me nothing I need to know for the real world." He exasperates.

"How would you know if you never show up?" She chuckles. It has long been realized that trying to teach Benkei the benefits of school was useless; he just doesn't care. Luckily for him, in a few months he'll be sixteen and can drop out of school.

He scrapes the vegetables away from the rest of his food. "Like I've said, school is for tools."

"Or people who want to make something of themselves." I chimed in.

As expected, my response angered him. "Who the hell was talking to you-"

"Benkei be nice or else." My mother warns. We all know there will be no consequences for his behavior. He sits back in his chair and shoots a harsh glare at me. I admire how our mother tries to keep a cordial atmosphere in spite of everything that has happened. "What about you Sakura, how was your day?"

"It was okay. Dr. Ryushi gave me a journal."

She gasps in excitement. "Oh really, what for?"

"It's to write my thoughts down and help me see where I was mentally during the day."

Benkei snorts. "In other words, its to track her craziness." Mother gives him a stern gaze, which he brushes off. He has no regrets when it comes to insulting me, because she doesn't punish him. I stand, preparing to take the plates and wash them.

"Oh Sakura, why don't you go upstairs, I will take care of the dishes."

"Are you sure?" I asked, having no problem doing the mundane chore.

She offers me a confident smile. "It's fine dear."

I bow slightly and walk out of the dining room, stopping when I hear harsh whispers.

"Seriously mom, she is so fucking weird."

Plates clatter loudly as they are dropped in the sink. "Benkei, watch your language."

"No, seriously! All my friends think she's a psycho and my girlfriend is afraid of coming to the house."

"Well maybe you need new friends."

"Or maybe you need to return her to wherever the hell you found her."

I didn't want to hear anymore of the conversation. Its one thing for Benkei to express his discomfort with me being around, I can handle that. However when he refers to me as if I'm some stray animal, it feels like he's saying I should just crawl in a hole and die. He doesn't treat me like his sister. Sometimes he doesn't even treat me like I'm human. But I grin and bear it, because its natural for siblings to sometimes dislike each other. I figure this is just a stage, and will end once he drops out of school.

When I got to my room, I felt a sense of relief. This is the only place where I can be myself and not be ridiculed. None of my actions are monitored here. No one is worried about what I do, or how I interact with others. I often wish the world was like my room, but I suppose there's no fun living in paradise forever.

I stare at the stack of books on my desk and sigh. All my homework has been done hours ago. I'd offer to do Benkei's but he isn't too fond of me now.

The journal is the next thing I laid eyes on. Dr. Ryushi told me that it would be better to read everything after I have filled the book. I'm not sure if I'm going to use it much. My thoughts aren't significant enough for them to be recorded; just flighty observations and the typical teenaged girl's feelings. Then again, maybe there is something special that I need to write down. Why else would Dr. Ryushi give this to me? There has to be some significance, outside of just writing my thoughts.

Maybe this journal is my voice that so few hear. If it turns out any good, I might publish it.

* * *

Journal Entry #1

_I have been nothing but nice to my darling older brother and what do I get in return? I get treated like the dirt underneath his perfectly clean shoes. The stupid, pathetic slacker thinks far too highly of himself. He sits and spews insults as if he's some higher authority. All this happens while that insufferable woman watches. She does nothing to defend me or reprimand him. Her authority means nothing around here. He doesn't respect her and neither do I. One day he'll be thrown off his throne and his ego will be crushed. And I'll be sure to show that woman what real power looks like._

* * *

"Now it is said that the Ame Civil War started because the old leader refused to step down."

I raised my hand. "Actually, many historians have found that the cause of the civil war was the corruption of the leader at the time. Some records in the leader's home showed that he had a private militia, which monitored and oppressed the people." My heartbeat excels from speaking out loud.

He nods his head, impressed. The simple gesture was enough to make me happy for saying something.

At least until Hisame clears her throat. "Actually, the start of the civil war happened after some of the citizens became disgruntled with the fact that Konoha had shinobi here and the leader did nothing to remove them." The class livens with murmurs of how smart she is.

I sink into my seat, feeling embarrassed. "Sorry I was wrong." I whispered.

Kandachi-sensei gives me a sympathetic look. The bell rings before he can say anything. Students rush out the door, while I linger to avoid hearing the talk of how Hisame once again corrected me. When everyone except the teacher left, I stood and gathered my things.

"You know you were correct right?"

I shrug. "It doesn't matter." I could say two plus two equals four, and somehow Hisame will find a way to say it actually equals five. It's high school, so it's completely understandable why people choose to listen to one person over another. Social order is more important than factual information. "I'll see you tomorrow Kandachi-sensei."

My friend, Konan, stands on the other side of the hall with a smile on her face. "Why the long face?"

"I got shown up by Hisame." I sighed. "I don't even know why I bother."

"Look, I know you're smart, you know you're smart, even the teachers know you're smart; why do you need other opinions?"

"I don't. It would be nice to get some recognition."

She raises an eyebrow. "For what?"

I could name a million examples, yet none of them would matter. "You're right, I don't need anyone else's opinion." Its much easier to go with what people say. Trying to retort just brings unnecessary conflict. I know I will never fare well in a verbal fight, so I just nod my head and say nothing.

"Doesn't take much to persuade you." She utters.

"Arguing gets me nowhere."

She stops suddenly. "How would you know if you always back down?"

"People leave me alone faster if I don't say anything. In case you haven't notice, I'm an easy target."

"Its because you make yourself one. You don't stand up for yourself, and people see that as weakness."

I shrug. "That's fine. There's only so much you can say to someone who doesn't say anything back."

She shakes her head in mild disappointment. "You need a backbone."

This school is filled with aggressive, hormonally challenged teens, why should I add to that with my feelings. Keeping quiet is my only way of making sure I don't end up in trouble. Around here, all it takes is one word and you could end up in the hospital. Its just sensible to say nothing.

* * *

Sayuri clears her throat to get everyone's attention. "Okay, first order of business; last week's charity event went great. We managed to raise over 300,000 yen!" The committee cheers for our accomplishment. Many thought that we were hardly going to make enough to cover the expenses of setting up the event.

"Way to go Sayuri!"

I was proud of our accomplishment, but remained silent. Not a single person in this room knows how the event was pulled off, and in such a short period of time. None of them care either. All that matters is the goal. It doesn't matter if one person spends hours trying to set everything by themselves, or that they painstakingly called every influential philanthropist in the area and asked for their personal appearance. No one cares. I guess it was all worth it, since I really didn't have anything else to do with my time.

"Oh and don't forget about the celebration tonight."

I looked over the itinerary for this meeting and the last one, not seeing anything about a celebration. "Um, what celebration?"

Sayuri lets out a short gasp. "My mistake, I guess I forgot to invite you."

I didn't want to make a scene of it, so I swallowed my disappointment. "Its fine."

She frowns slightly. "I am so sorry, I think it's not too late to change the reservation."

"Actually the reservations are set in stone. Plus, we don't have enough money in the budget for one more person." Mashai Kasuse, the student body treasurer, states.

Sayuri chews her lip nervously. "Well that sucks. Maybe we should try a different restaurant."

The room livens with collective groans of displeasure. I don't want to be the reason people can't enjoy themselves.

"There's no need for that really. I'll be fine." It will be too much of a hassle to cancel the reservations of one place and try to find another that will accommodate a party of this size. "Besides, I have a lot of extra work to do." I lie to make everyone feel at ease with themselves.

"Are you sure? I mean it's not right that you, the president, won't be there."

I muster up all the energy I could to put on a smile. "Of course. Its just a party, no biggie."

"If you say so." Her tone was full of uncertainty. "Um, our next order of business is the biology club requests additional funds for their field trip to Oto University."

"How much money are we talking?" Shiemi questions.

"Somewhere between 200,000 and 250,000 yen." I chime in.

Shiemi's eyebrows furrow. "That's a bit much."

I had a strong feeling that they weren't going to like how much the club needed. "Well the biology club hasn't been able to have its annual science fair since the funds they were supposed to receive ended up going to the baseball team."

"Mashai, how much money do we have to spare for their trip?"

"More than enough." He states casually.

She nods. "Very well. Sakura, care to do the honors?"

"I move to give additional funds to the biology club." The confidence in my statement was nearly foreign to me.

"I second that." Mashai states.

The corners of my lips turn upward slightly. This was going a lot better than expected. "All in favor?" The majority of the room raises their hands. I suppose if no one would have supported the motion, I could have used my status to overturn the ruling. "All opposed?"

"Oh who cares? The majority rules." Sayuri snaps, as she grabbed the meeting minutes sheet and signed the bottom of it. "This meeting is adjourned."

It was far too early to call it quits. "But we haven't talked about-"

"We'll save it for next meeting." She suggests as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

My eyes dart to the floor. "It's time sensitive."

"Then make a decision and document it." She walks away with the rest of the committee, leaving the choice to cut the budget for the upcoming formal, up to me.

I'd rather not make the choice because it might not be what people want and they'll all get mad at me. I realize that as the president, I should be ready to make decisions on my own, but what I want and what the general population want, are two different things. I'm supposed to act in the school's best interest, but no one actually cares about that. I could lose my position acting in the student's favor, but I'll lose what little respect they have for me going against them.

I grab the meeting minutes, and glance over them. They aren't as detailed as the administration would like which is probably why things take so long to process. I guess that's another job I'll have to take over in order to keep things running smoothly.

In her haste, our secretary left behind the binder holding copies of all administrative forms. I quickly noticed there are more forms than there should be. Flipping through each page, I found a lot of requests haven't been discussed in the meetings. Interestingly enough, they were signed by every officer, myself included.

Or was it forged? It sort of looked like my signature. Maybe this is a sign that my blackouts have returned. I had to be present at all meetings. There's no way that all of this could happen without me having a say in it. But, I still wouldn't put it passed them to leave me out of the loop and forge my signature.

I guess if they do make decisions without me, then there should be no harm in me making one decision without them. Hopefully it won't backfire.

* * *

"It's good to see you Sakura." Dr. Ryushi greets.

Today hasn't been the best of days, and seeing Dr. Ryushi doesn't make it better. It's not that I don't like him, I just don't care for the way he makes me confront feelings that are best left locked up inside. "Yeah, same." I mutter. I wanted to sound more enthusiastic, but all my false happiness has been used up at the meeting. I can only pretend to be happy for so long.

He frowns slightly. "Is something wrong?"

I want to plaster on a smile and tell him how great my day was. "It could have been better."

It's his job to prod, but sometimes I wish he would just let things go. "How so?"

"I did what you suggested I do."

His eyes lit up. Rarely, do I ever follow his advice; but every so often, I take what he says to heart. "That's great!"

"Yeah, and I was humiliated immediately afterward."

It hurt seeing his happiness fade. "I'm sorry to hear that." He shifts a bit in his seat, feeling awkward.

"It's not your fault, it's mine."

"How is it your fault?"

"I knew what would happen if I opened my mouth, but I went with it anyway." I sighed. "I wanted to prove what I knew and was shot down by the "queen" of the school."

"Sakura, I'm sure you're are just as smart as everyone in your class."

I snort. "I'm by no means saying they're stupid, but they have a drone mentality. Whenever Hisame says something, it's automatically regarded as a fact. No one checks for an answer, no one questions it. Don't take this as bragging, but I know my stuff! My level of intellect is something far beyond most of the student's grasp. When I spoke today, I felt so empowered. I felt that finally I would get respect, but..."

"But?"

I sigh and shake my head. "There are times where I wish I could be like them, maybe they'll accept me more; but I cannot willingly follow someone who hardly has any idea what they are talking about."

He clasps his hands together. "That little outburst right there was truly wonderful."

"What?"

He clears his throat. "What I mean is, you seem to roll with the punches on everything, never once do you stand up and say "enough". But what you just said proves that there is a fighter in you; there is someone who is willing to stand up for herself."

I let out a breathless laugh. "Doctor, as you're aware, I was appointed president of the student council. Today I found out something interesting, the rest of the officers are having a celebration for the success of the charity event that I put together, and I wasn't invited."

"Oh wow, I'm-"

"Don't apologize." I say quickly. "It's okay. It turns out they have a lot of celebrations without my knowledge. They even went to Ishigakure without me." I lift my head to meet his sorrowful gaze. "I'm not mad or anything. I just wish they would include me in things."

He writes something on his notepad. "Are you sure you're not mad or hurt?"

I shake my head. "Its not a big deal, like I said. Though, it would be nice to at least be offered an invitation."

"It's okay to feel upset, you know?"

"But that's just it; I'm not upset. I know I should be, but I'm not." The whole situation is something I don't care much about. There are other problems I should be focusing on.

"I suspect that's not entirely true. Some part of you is hurt by all this."

"Nope." I answer simply, with the hopes that we'll move on to a different topic.

He indulges my silent request. "How's the journal working out for you?"

"I haven't written in it much yet. But I'm sure it will be a nice way to convey my feelings." I'm afraid of my emotions, which is why I keep them bottled up. I fear that I might lash out and have to suffer through the same events I went through four years ago. If I write it out, it will be a lot safer. No one can be hurt with written words that they'll never see.

He puts down his notebook. "Sakura, it's okay to feel and express yourself."

People always say that, but when someone decides to express themselves, they are hassled. "I can't."

"Why not?"

I shake my head. "I just can't."

"Sakura, if you say nothing, people are just going to walk all over you."

I move closer to the edge of my seat, and level a strong gaze at him. "Everyone wants me to have a backbone; to stand up for myself. But I don't feel the need to. If I stay quiet, I'll be fine. Often, I am glanced over as nothing more than a spec of dust, and when people _do_ notice me, they say their little insults and move on. I've learned that things only become a problem if you make them one. So I'm going to live and let die, because things are easier that way."


End file.
